Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. And I think that's the reason my act has become more political. I've become somewhat more of a political comic because the level of stupidity I've watched is staggering.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.

If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.

sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.