There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.