What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Self-love is a big part of golf.

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.