I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.