People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.

When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down.