There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.

If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he still won't shut up I throw it at him.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.