I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.

The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.