The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.

It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.