The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.