Every day I read the newspapers, and no matter how cynical I get, it's imposssible to keep up.

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

The whole idea of being in captivity in such limited space, especially in a zoo, causes elephants to suffer. They develop all kinds of foot diseases. They die. They get cysts. Not only is it painful, it eventually kills them.

Did you know, in the entire universe, we are the only intelligent life forms thought to have a Miss Universe contest?

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

I especially love 'Web Therapy' and I did 'Eastbound and Down' too. I had a lot of fun doing that.