The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year-everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

I worry about kids today - because of the sexual revolution, they're going to grow up and never know what "dirty" means.

Did you know, in the entire universe, we are the only intelligent life forms thought to have a Miss Universe contest?

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

If you can't be direct, why be?