Your sister is the only creature on earth who shares your heritage, history, environment, DNA, bone structure, and contempt for stupid Aunt Gertie.

More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you've been bad and good.

My sister taught me everything I really need to know, and she was only in sixth grade at the time.

After living with Richard, I discovered that men are only good at cleaning stuff they can hose down.

Any idiot would know women's needs are simple. All we want is your basic millionaire brain surgeon criminal lawyer great dancer who pilots his own Lear Jet and owns seafront property. On the other hand, things being what they are today, most of us will settle for a guy who holds down a steady job and isn't carrying an infectious disease.

When shopping at Dunkin' Donuts, pretend you are the mother of nine. Say things like, 'Little David likes cream-filled and Susie wanted jelly.' That way, no one will be suspicious when you order a dozen donuts with one cup of coffee to go.

I will not go out with a man who wears more jewelry than me, and I'll never, ever go to bed with a guy who calls me Babe. Other than that, however, I'm real flexible.