I wasn't very good about the pain. I started screaming for painkillers after the third contraction and didn't stop until my daughter was eating solid food.

When shopping at Dunkin' Donuts, pretend you are the mother of nine. Say things like, 'Little David likes cream-filled and Susie wanted jelly.' That way, no one will be suspicious when you order a dozen donuts with one cup of coffee to go.

It's surely one of the strange phenomena of this decade that the most thoughtful gift you can bring a date is not flowers, chocolates, or ankle-length pearls, but a note from your doctor.

There are three very good reasons to travel: 1. See the world. 2. Meet new people. 3. Room service.

Sex is probably the most fun you can have in life without gaining weight or having a hangover the next day.

I could be a millionaire if I knew how to make stuff and wasn't afraid of electricity.

I discovered, quite early in motherhood, that the longest and most painful deliveries occur when you give birth to stepchildren.