I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor says that if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.

I don't like writing in front of a lot of people, it has to be an intimate experience with people I trust.

Did you really think I wouldn't recognize my college futon, with its trademark absence of sex stains?

We have a show tonight. I've never missed a show. Not even the time I had that virus they kept saying only raccoons get.

I have many, many voices. I talk to my dogs like in the strangest voices you can imagine.

Can I share with you my worldview? All of humankind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.

When stuff is coming to an end, people freak out and they act crazy.