I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor says that if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.

In my experience, 'let's think about it' usually ends up as me watching Solid Gold in my basement on prom night.

I want to do that thing rich people do where they turn money into more money.

I was inspired by a question that kept repeating itself in my mind: Could I really change my life? I'd spent so many days, weeks, months, and years thinking about doing things with my life, and now I wanted to know, if I committed to a goal and woke up every single day working hard at it, could I change my life?

I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Instead, what I was beginning to understand was that however things unfolded from here on, whatever the next chapter was, my life could never be the sum of one circumstance. It would be determined, as it had always been, by my willingness to put one foot in front of the other, moving forward, come what may.

Did you really think I wouldn't recognize my college futon, with its trademark absence of sex stains?