Now I'm heading home for a nooner, which is what I call having pancakes for lunch.

It's never fun to break someone's heart, that's so sad.

Can I share with you my worldview? All of humankind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.

If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down.

We have a show tonight. I've never missed a show. Not even the time I had that virus they kept saying only raccoons get.

Did you really think I wouldn't recognize my college futon, with its trademark absence of sex stains?

Why do you sound surprised? I love America. Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don't love America?