People are always fighting for attention with things now because there's so much content. Actually, if you don't tell people stuff - you just keep your mouth shut - you don't have to whisper it, you just don't yell. Take the bullhorn off your mouth and it's a secret.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive. Like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

I'm not raising the children, I'm raising the grown ups that they're going to be.

Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.

Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true.