I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

You could drive a rental car until you don't want it. Just get out of it while it's moving and just walk away. No, I don't feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you're interested. It's now your problem.

I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.