I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.

Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.

When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.

If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."

You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.