Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true.

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.

It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.

You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.

Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.