Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you. Don't go, 'ohhhh I'm sorry.' That's a stupid thing to say. First of all you're making 'em feel bad for being really happy, which isn't fair. And second of all: divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It's really that simple.

I like all ladies of all different ages.

I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

Misery is wasted on the miserable.

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.