Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you. Don't go, 'ohhhh I'm sorry.' That's a stupid thing to say. First of all you're making 'em feel bad for being really happy, which isn't fair. And second of all: divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It's really that simple.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

I grew up in a generation that had exponential technological advances.

If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.

It’s been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that’s what he did.

When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.