A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there."

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business.

here's a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It's literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It's a huge amount of work.

God is like a shitty girlfriend.

I know I'm getting old because there will be times when I'm not even doing anything and I'll think, 'I need to go wipe my ass right now.'