A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

The ability to just sit there. That's being a person.

Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

I know I'm getting old because there will be times when I'm not even doing anything and I'll think, 'I need to go wipe my ass right now.'

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!