Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.

I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you. Don't go, 'ohhhh I'm sorry.' That's a stupid thing to say. First of all you're making 'em feel bad for being really happy, which isn't fair. And second of all: divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It's really that simple.

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

Young people don't even consider that it's a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor, you can't go - I guess there's forms of it.