I love being divorced. Every year has been better than the last. By the way, I'm not saying don't get married. If you meet somebody, fall in love and get married. Then get divorced. Because that's the best part. Divorce is forever! It really actually is. Marriage is for how long you can hack it. But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak. Nobody ever says 'oh, my divorce is falling apart, it's over, I can't take it.'

People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show.

Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.

You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.

To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.