Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art.

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.