Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.

Comedians and Feminists... are natural enemies, because stereotypically-speaking, feminists can't take a joke and... comedians can't take criticism.

A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.