It's hard having kids because it's boring... It's just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time.

It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

If you have something to say, here's what you do: You write it down on a piece of paper, you go out in the lobby, and then you go home and you kill yourself.

Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?

There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.

When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'