I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.

My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something.

I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.