I was an awkward kid.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at.

If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.

The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.