I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!"

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.