God is like a shitty girlfriend.

There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.

How do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the number one threat to women. Globally and historically, we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women... You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.

You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.

I love being divorced. Every year has been better than the last. By the way, I'm not saying don't get married. If you meet somebody, fall in love and get married. Then get divorced. Because that's the best part. Divorce is forever! It really actually is. Marriage is for how long you can hack it. But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak. Nobody ever says 'oh, my divorce is falling apart, it's over, I can't take it.'

I love comedians. They're my community.

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!