God is like a shitty girlfriend.

Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'

Misery is wasted on the miserable.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.