You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you.

I know I'm getting old because there will be times when I'm not even doing anything and I'll think, 'I need to go wipe my ass right now.'

I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.

It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.

We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.