Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

I do love standup. I love comedians. They're my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.

There's no way you ask Sean Penn a question and then, you're gonna be HUGE !