Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.

Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.

I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.

When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'

Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.

When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.