I found out that I'm a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Maybe God is an asshole...of course not, he's not an asshole, he's imaginary.

My 13-year-old daughter leaves the house at 7:15 every morning and takes a smelly city bus to school way uptown. It's like 8 degrees out, and it's dark and she's got this morning face and I send her out there to take a bus. Meanwhile, my driver is sitting in a toasty Mercedes that's going to take me to work once both kids are gone. I could send her in the Mercedes and then have it come back to get me, but I can't have my kid doing that. I can't do that to her. Me? I earned that f—ing Mercedes. You better f—ing believe it.

I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business.

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.