One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."

Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.

I would rather be with my kids than anybody else.