I've always benefited from knowing machines well, because it's freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

If the whole country had to have the same conversation that was safe for everybody, it would be a pretty awful place to live. There wouldn't be a conversation.

A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good.