I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.

I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.

Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."

A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good.