My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

There's nothing that beats proving you're funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.