If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you

You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something.

In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.

How do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the number one threat to women. Globally and historically, we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women... You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.

It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.

Young people don't even consider that it's a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from.

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"