I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

I look around, pretty much 100% of the people driving are texting. And they're killing, everybody's murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don't want to be alone for a second because it's so hard.

I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."

Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.