We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.

Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive. Like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.

Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.

I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show.

I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.