We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!

Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.

Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive. Like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.