We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

I've always benefited from knowing machines well, because it's freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?