When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long in the toilet? Because he's not sure he wants to be a father.
Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it.
You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.
Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you.
A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.