I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.

People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.

When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long in the toilet? Because he's not sure he wants to be a father.

Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.

I killed my Facebook page years ago because time clicking around is just dead time. Your brain isn't resting and it isn't doing. I think people have to get their heads around this thing. All this unmitigated input is hurting folks.