Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Just, because also - also - it lights up your big dumb face.

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!

I grew up in a generation that had exponential technological advances.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.