Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Just, because also - also - it lights up your big dumb face.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.

If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.