Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Just, because also - also - it lights up your big dumb face.

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.

Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in.

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business.