Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.

Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.

Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

I was driving in Manhattan. There's traffic, nobody's moving... The guy behind me is honking just at me. He kept yelling at me. I decided that I'm gonna argue with this guy, but I'm gonna argue about something else. I'm not having his argument; I'm having mine. So, he's like, 'Go!' And I go, 'Well give me back my jacket!' And he stopped. I was like, 'Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could borrow it, not have it! You're stretching it out, you fat pig! Give it back, now!' He got back in his car, and he locked his doors.