Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.

Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art.

When I was a kid there was a show called 'Holmes & Yo-Yo' about a robot cop. I LOVED that show and I think it only lasted like three episodes.

When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant, and you sort of get a list from her every day, and you do, you know, you run down the list, and it feels very much like a chore.

It's just a big excuse to say awful things.

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

[about being a father] I don't really remember what it was like before. Whatever I had going on, it was bullshit. It wasn't important. It's kind of a nice thing about being a dad. My identity is really about them now, and what I can do for them, so it sort of takes the pressure off of your own life. What am I going to do, who am I? Who cares, you've got to get your kids to school. So I like it that way.