A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good.

There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

When I was a kid there was a show called 'Holmes & Yo-Yo' about a robot cop. I LOVED that show and I think it only lasted like three episodes.

I'm not raising the children, I'm raising the grown ups that they're going to be.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!