A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good.

If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.

God is like a shitty girlfriend.

I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get.

I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.

You know when you see a mother someplace just melting down on her kid? She's like, 'Shut up, I hate you, you're ugly!'... Any parents there are thinking, 'What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman? That poor woman. I wish I could help.'