Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.