I could never sit down and write jokes.

I was an awkward kid.

I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.