When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

You have to be able to do a bunch of things at once, and not think about things you're not doing while you're doing other things. You have to be disciplined about not trying to do everything, all at the same time. It's hard and fun.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good.