When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.

People are always fighting for attention with things now because there's so much content. Actually, if you don't tell people stuff - you just keep your mouth shut - you don't have to whisper it, you just don't yell. Take the bullhorn off your mouth and it's a secret.

When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.

Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.