I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there."

We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.

There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.

I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.