At that point Ms Fox came in and said, "Hello, carry on as if I am not here." Then she lay down on the floor.

He came over and ruffled my hair, which is technically assault. I could get on the blower to ChildLine.

And the kittykats would have to erect scaffolding and a pulley to get him down. Mind you, I wouldn't put that past them. Sometimes when they are behind the sofa supposedly purring, I think they are drilling.

Some things in life are not pleasant but they have to be done. For instance, German and maths.

...Then it said on the news, "And tonight the Prime Minister has just got to Number Ten." I looked down at Jas and said, "Ooer." Meaning he'd got to number ten on the snogging scale. And then we both laughed like loons. Vati just looked at us like we were mad.

And a secret inward voice in my head was saying (in a strange breathy voice...) Yes, yessss, I will pop round to The Blind Pig. I will 'pop' round because guess who lives at the Blind Pig? It is not a blind pig, it is Alex.

Jas, whatever Tom has under his trousers is between you and him.