A lady is as young as the gentleman she feels," said Roy and cackled happily.

Just at the turn of the tide, nature held its breath - no bird sang, everything seemed to be waiting and waiting. And then, sure enough, as if someone had flicked a switch, everything started in motion again.

Ah, when love dies, women lose two and a half inches in height.

That was the trouble with so many reality programmes on television - everyone wanted fame these days without necessarily working at anything to achieve it.

Do you know why more people don't sober up? Because they don't wear their livers on the outside. If everyone wore their liver on their forehead, say, it would be on full view and people would say, 'Heffens, Jock, that liver of yours is looking fair hobnailed,' and they would get shamed into doing something about it.

Clever plastic surgery can restore an appearance of youth, but nothing changes the expression of age and experience in the eyes.

I never wanted to be a literary writer. I wanted to be an entertainer. All I wanted was to give what a lot of writers had given me: a good time on a bad day.