Dogs are too much to handle. I don't need anything in my house that's needier than me.

They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.

Americans don't understand irony? I am an intelligent person living in the United States. My entire existence is ironic.

I'm weird; I have a very strange emotional memory. I really somehow hold on to even passing moments with people.

A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'

It's great to have people come out. I do worry, though. They know me very intimately, in a way, if they listen to my show; they know a lot about me.

Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do.