Dogs are too much to handle. I don't need anything in my house that's needier than me.

Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'

We live in an age where people are like, "I'd love to catch up. Maybe text me later? But don't call because I don't really listen to my messages. But if you text me..." We've displaced interaction into sound bites and untethered phrases and sentences that come up on the phone as Twitter feed.

The truth is, I can’t read anything with any distance. Every book is a self-help book to me. Just having them makes me feel better.

For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.

I’m glad to be part of the war on sadness. I’m a part time employee of the illusion that keeps people stupid.

I think most other comics are like, 'I'm going to do my fkin' act and that'll be that.' With me, it's like, 'What if I forget my jokes? What if I can't pull it together? This is going to be a fking disaster!'